Something in me aches...

I'm in the mood to write something short. A rant of sorts, without the customary vitriol, angst or venom. I'm not railing against one or anything. I have no axe to grind, nor an enemy to put to shame. None of that applies here and now.

My ranting is about the ache, an ache to do the kinds of things that bring me joy, and happiness, in even the smallest of increments. I ache to direct films, to write the films I chose to direct. I ache to direct films for Marvel Studios, Warner Brothers, Fox, and so on. I ache for this.

I'm a late bloomer, I came to my love of this art-form late in life, but I came by it honestly. Not casting a stinky eye on anyone else, merely stating a fact. My mother was and is my muse. She fostered a love of movies, that I carried with me to this very day, to this very minute. And in my darkest moment, when a seamless cloak of despair and desolation was very close to enveloping me, it happened.

"BING!" A light, in the form of a screensaver I'd created on my computer. A simple series of soft cross fades from one forrest image to the next. And in the background played, a soft gentle song (Little Wing, played by Stevie Ray Vaughn), and I sat, and stared, gobsmacked.

Then, sometime later, I'd heard of screenwriting, and dismissed it as easily as it came to me, and moved on to devour everything I could about how to make movies. I watched every "Behind the scenes" "Movie Magic", and every "In Production" show I could find, bought dvd's labeled "Director's Cut", movie magazines, trade publications, I obsessively threw myself in to finding out every nuance, every idiom, every quick and beautifully technical aspect of filmmaking. It was glorious, and i loved every minute.

Times passed, and I'd joined film forums, and movie sites, and the more I looked the more it seemed, the only way to truly be the director, I wanted to be, I'd need to write. No, scratch that, I'd need to lean HOW to write. Now, I'd been an artist all my life, visuals were everything to me. I had no desire to find words to convey, what my hands could create effortlessly. However, during this time of discovery, I was losing the love of my life, and for completely different reasons, she was soon to be gone forever.

Being the angst-ridden tortured artist of the much belabored stereotype, I'd only learned to express my emotions through physical acts, either benign, or malevolent, my emotions shown in pieces, and in destruction. Needing to find a better way, I began to write how I felt, I began to emote all over paper, using a pen as a cudgel.

Having read and loved the classic works of Shakespeare, Maya Angelou, Henry Miller and above all Langston Hughes, I learned to craft missive upon missive with words that expertly conveyed exactly how my heart felt. And how wounded my pride and ego were, and the depths of who I thought I was, and who I wanted to be some day.

That and seeing Ben Affleck and Matt Damon win Oscars for Best Screenplay for "Good Will hunting" was all the impetus I needed to learn the art of screenwriting. An art, that before I entered into, thought easy and of no great effort. "It's only writing, I've done that all my life, how hard could it be?" were the monumental, and arrogantly stupid words that rolled from lips. And I would learn, after the completion of my first screenplay, how wrong I was.

It takes more than talent to craft a good story. A drunken marmot could write a screenplay, this is true. but it takes far greater capacity, to tell a good and lasting story. To create something that not only sticks in the psyche of the viewer, but becomes apart of who they are, and invades how they think, and view the world. It takes great discipline, fortitude, and an iron-forged resolve to start, complete, and tell a good story. and even more so, in ninety minutes running time (approx.)

Fast forward four years, to today, where I'm still learning how to tell a good story, both visually and literally. I'll never be as good as I once mistakenly envisioned myself to be, and never as good as I want to be. But with providence and God's guidance, I'll create stories that stick, and entertain, and make people happy. that is what the ache is, that is the desire that drives the engine inside me, and that is what will be.

...Ok, so not so short.