Once again into the breach

The 2012 Sundance film Festival will begin its broadcast on the Sundance Channel on January 19th. And I'm excited to see those who were lucky enough to get into the screenwriting program given by Sundance every year, to be announced during the festival.

Sadly, I was not one of the ones chosen. And less than 12 months ago I would've been less than enthusiastic about knowing who won, and reading the entry that got them in to the festival. My jealousy, and Andy would've gotten way of celebrating these people and their hard work. Because I, wanting to be one of them, would be angry. It's the kind of anger that makes you forget that you are as talented as you think you are. Fosters the belief that, you have been operating under one of the more grand illusions that an artist can give himself.

So I would just about watch anything else. Even so far as to watch endless hours of reality TV, any number of marathon television show blocks, and even C-SPAN. I would've avoided the Sundance Channel as if it were a past girlfriend, with an ax to grind, and a desire to open up old wounds desperately seeking clarity. It would not have been on my to do list.

But, there've been some changes in both myself and how I view my path to becoming a filmmaker. I would like to say that I am happy that I'm fortunate to that now before my career really begins. I like to say that I have been put on current path, one that I didn't choose, but I'm beginning to believe was when I really needed. No matter what title you give myself, the journey that I am on now has taught me that title doesn't matter. The name I give to whatever art I create doesn't matter either. What matters is the work that I do, create, and take responsibility for. In the end all anyone will ever remember is the work. And not what internal struggle I stupidly decided to engage in, or what lofty title I thought would sound better at the end of my name.

And I'm glad that's over.

So I'm contemplating reentering the Sundance directors program. I'm considering throwing my hat once again into the ring, understanding that it may be far more difficult than it was last year. I learned some great lessons, and am still learning great lessons, as to what I need to do. Which is, the work. I've also ideas swirling around in my head, each one vying for the best position, and hopefully to be born before the others die out. I believe they're all great ideas, but even the greatest idea won't make screenplay. It's like having a fish tank filled with seamonkeys. They have the same own room, the same amount of light, in the same space in which to grow. And what you do, is you pit these puny aquatic little bastards against each other, and hope one of them is vicious, and smart enough, to rise victorious bobbing up and down, screaming choose me choose me.

So you pluck, the valiant little mutated krill, set him on your desk, and he begins telling you this great story about this particular character, or a particular thing, engaged in all types of particular adventures. And you're feeling pretty good about choosing him because obviously he was the best choice. This, is what I do. You find an idea can decide this is the one that I will turn into a screenplay. And I will sit in chair, flattening my ass even further than it already has been, and smoking far too much. And craft a world in which really bright characters, say really magnetic words, that would make a really good movie. I've done it before, I can do it again, and will continue to do it until Sundance is either tired of me, or someone finds me in my apartment, with a concussion from the mountain of screenplays that have fallen on my head.

Since Sundance started I wanted to be a part of it. It always seemed like the best directors came from Sundance. Directors that I admire to this day, whose work is remarkably impactful. It from the very 1st frame, picks you up by your lapels and sits you down, not gruffly or with malicious force. But with a sense of urgency that tells you you're about to experience something that you've never seen before. And the things the people in this fountain of moving images, have something really quite significant to say. Those are the kinds of films that I want to make, and those are the types of films that I will make.

So it is with a certain amount of envy, no malicious intent, but with gratitude. I am emboldened by seeing these people succeed. It lets me know that with the same amount of diligence, and talent, and the right recipe of words in a script, I will be where they are now. And that is exciting. It's exciting to know that even after all these years, and all this time, I'm excited and looking forward to a project that will make me happy. I love being a writer, I living artist, I love being aspiring film maker who will one day make his own films. I love all that.

But what I love most of all, is knowing that I arrived at the realization that, the work is the most important thing.

...I had an epiphany in my coffee

I’m at work, taking a break from what it is I do (web design wage slave), and getting my daily dose of “what’s going on in comics, film, and video games”. I do this everyday, to renew my inspiration and enthusiasm, which normally happens while I’m at work...

important aside: I’ll tell you about the significance of that statement later, for now, let’s get back to the epiphany.

...So, as I was saying, I’m at work, projecting my mind to the day when the work I do on a daily basis, will be the work I love to do now, in my spare-time - Comics, Films, and Videogames.

That’s when it hits me...

There are literally MILLIONS of people, energetically, and oft times frantically, working towards the same goals as I. They engage in the same rituals, recite the same mantras, seek out the same inspirational tidbits, and dream of the same same, ambrosia filled grail.

Then I wonder. What makes me different? How is my dream any more or less golden, what is it about me, that makes me shine brighter than the rest? What gives me a luster, that few others have, or will ever hope to have?

Now in the private moments of our own minds, we do one of two things, and I firmly believe this. One, we’re brutally honest, and have thoughts unmarred with past regret or issue. And two, we have thoughts based on learned behavior, past triumphs, and failures, consciously ignoring past regret and issue.

And that was the birth of my epiphany for today, and it is as follows....

It doesn’t matter what makes me different, I bought the ticket, I’m taking the ride, I’m having fun, and I’m not getting off until I’m good and ready.

End Epiphany.

The Super Duper Inspiration Machine, or what is otherwise known as "Oscar Season"!

Can a man, who looks like a cross between, a linebacker for the Chicago Bears, and a lighter (weight, not complexion) version of The Notorious B.I.G., be giddy?

I answer that question with a reverberant yes!

In the most recent of days, I've been riding on a crestless wave of creativity. it's one the few effective ways, I manage my condition (Manic Depression/Bipolar) and lead, what I consider a normal life.

In the mornings I wake from a 3-4 hour sleep, look at my computer, go over the lines I've written, lament having to go to, but always propelled, to work. I complete the tasks in front of me with speed and efficiency, rarely taking a lunch break, and complete my day with an "Adios, Fellow Wage Slaves, until tomorrow..goodnight", and speed my way home.

At this point, another writer would have used the "and thats when the magic happens". Well, not me.

I'm not a trained writer, I'm an educated writer. In fact I taught myself, just about everything I know; from Art, to Music, to Computers, to Writing, and now, to Filmmaking. If we seek knowledge and new experiences, the way sharks seek food, what glorious lives we'd lead. But I digress...

Now, were I the kind of writer, to cast of the consummately disposable line "..and thats when the magic happens" I'd be lying. It's not where the magic happens. Its where the magic is translated into words, and situations, occurrences and characters, lives and the approximation of living. The "magic" is in my head, my gloriously, chemically imbalanced, and unmedicated head.

My imagination, and the act of bringing it into reality is my medication, it keeps me sane, focused, and present. And I love it.

So much so, that the thought of being able to go home, after a long stressful day, and devise ways a two-bit criminal, with his right pinky snipped off by pruning shears, will triumph over an amoral police detective, literally, makes me giddy!

And just what does this have to do with Oscar season? Well, every year I watch. whether its holds my attention, or loses it like a virgin on prom night, I watch. And every year I watch.. I feel one more year closer to being on that stage, accepting on of three Oscars, with my Mom and wife in the audience, friends family, and children at home, cheering me on.

And for a 6'4", bear of a dude like me, the thought of it, makes me GIDDY!

P.S. The following scenario is from my screenplay "Lead Pipe Cinch".

It's begun...

As I sit here, at work, staring at this keyboard, wondering how to start this blog, I'm thinking. I'm thinking of how incredibly excited I am to finally be making my first film. Hell.. not my first film, my first six films. About a year ago, I wrote a series of short films, not for the exercise of writing, which I soon fell in love with, but to start my life of making movies.

Movies... that''s what I call them, that's what my family has always called them, that's what everyone I know calls them. The reason I take great pains to clarify, is that, there are FILMS, and there are movies. FILMS, (written mostly in initial caps, but often in all caps, to signify it's lofty status) were for those who actually had a choice of wine, instead of Coke or Pepsi. Those to whom the decision to watch PBS over WWE Smackdown, is a no-brainer. Get my point?

However, I will not cast a crooked eye on either species of cinema, I love them equally. I love the thoughtful FILM, about the emotionally injured man, who finds release in the voyeuristic pleasures of strangers. And I love the feeling of loud explosions, as the hero saves the wise-cracking cutie, driving an out of control city bus. I love that stuff.

That's why I decided to be a filmmaker. To, In some arrogant, and altruistic way, give some child the same precious memories I have. Memories of my Mom cooking Sundays dinners, just in time so we could watch "Family Classics" on WGN Channel 9, in a small town outside of Chicago. Where we would sit, and eat, and gobble up these cinematic treasures, that even to this day, I still can't resist watching.

Films with stars like Spenser Tracy in Captain's Courageous, or Tyrone Power in The Mark of Zorro, or Basil Rathbone, and Nigel Bruce in Sherlock Holmes., These films, and many many more like them, gave comfort and adventure, to a chubby introvert, who's best friends were his imagination, a sketchbook, and a pen.

So now, a number of years later, that same chubby little genius has grown into the strong, dedicated, dominating writer/director, writing in a blog, while he should be doing the work, he earns a paycheck for. Damn the MAN... I've started on a course that cannot be stopped. I've just finished casting, and moving on to the meat of pre-production, on my first six films, and I could not be more excited.

Thus... it has begun, the rest of my life, as a filmmaker.